Monday, February 17, 2014

Expectation. Ego. Excitement. And other Es.

I'm an honest gal so I'll cut to the chase.

Not too long ago, I signed up for a triathlon.  The moment I did this, the following feelings ensued:
dread (my ass gets sore on the bike)
anxiety (when the mother eff am I going to find time to work tri training into my schedule on top of pursuing huge and important life and marathon goals)
annoyance (towards myself- WHY did I do this if this clearly isn't what I wanted to do)

Because I'm a Virgo and I run and I get to my mat, I let it marinate for a bit.  I asked myself many challenging questions.

What prompted a triathlon to make its way into my goals?
Were my established goals in triathlon REAL...and if they weren't what is the COST of keeping them?  For me, and for my peeps that I aim to support and inspire in living authentically towards their vision of life through their goals?
What was driving the decision to potentially NOT participate?  Fear of the unknown?  Fear of failure?  Or was it really and truly about what I really and truly aim to accomplish through my own goals?

I could write a novel here.  Instead, I am going to keep things short, simple and sweet.  Kind of just like me.

People in the world told me (from the most loving and generous place possible, to be clear), that  I would likely rock a triathlon and kill it.  A serious #goalcrush if you will.  This fed my ego (and yes, we all have one, good, bad and ugly) in the most external and unsatisfying way. When I'm real about it, the time for triathlon for me is simply not now.  It might not be ever...I don't know.  But when I look at my values, when I look at life, and when I dig into what I want to create, participating in a triathlon that I have no desire to participate in is in COMPLETE antithesis to all of these things.  

The cost of having an inauthentic goal, of any kind, for me, is simply a price I am no longer willing to pay.  It weighs on my psyche.  It weaves its way into my life in the most negative and unappealing ways.  Joy and happiness give way to anxiety, dread and fear.  But most importantly, how can it possibly allow me to stand for my people (my family, my friends and my team), lead from a place of authenticity AND coach towards CHOICE if I am making a conscious and active choice to keep a goal that isn't real for me?  I can't.  I won't.  It isn't who I am.

So I did what I have learned in the past year works for me.  I got out of my head.  And into my heart.  As Richard Wagamese (have you read his books yet?  #doitnow) states, "The head has no answers, and the heart has no questions."  And my heart is leading me here:

Removing the triathlon goal from my goals.  It is the right thing to do right now.  It makes me smile.   It makes me tingle.  It makes me excited for other really big and important parts of my life.

Instead, I'm committing to filling my goals with the things that are actually filling me up and are allowing me to live big.  I'm focused on the marathon and with it, I see many halves and 10ks in my future.  I'm focused on creating and sharing something special for the running community in #yeg.  I am focused on creating space for peeps to MOVE, EAT and HUG. 

And last, but certainly not least...

I am committing to having ready and posted on the wall by end of this week, beautiful goals that are set in truth, are authentic and are written from a place of supporting vision, legacy and LOVE. 

Thanks, JulieG, KatieC, LauraM, MichelleC, AinsleyR, AlishaK, BeccaR, TinaH, AmandaS and the entire army of people that support me on a daily basis to live in truth.   How lucky am I to have so many messengers of magic in my life. 

I am so excited for what is coming.

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