Ready (OR NOT)...

Saskatoon.  I'm coming!

Full marathon in Saskatoon: T-11days.

Never before have I been less physically prepared for a marathon.

Never before have I been mentally so ready for a marathon.

I need to race.  I want to race.  I'm craving a race.  Totally, inexplicably and completely jonesin' for one, in fact.  To feel so mentally prepared but maybe not so physically prepared is new and uncharted territory for me.  The usual state of being for me is that my fitness is something I simply do not doubt.  I work my ass off (sometimes literally- that's for you my gypsy friend ;) to keep myself at a level of fitness and marathon readiness at all times and is something I remain seriously dedicated to.  Mentally, in the past, I have struggled with doubt and fear that I may not be as ready as I need to be.  The closer to the race, the more these feelings escalate.  Not a super awesome place to be, as you can imagine, when you're about to slip feet into shoes to pound out a 26.2.

And then this winter happened.  And I have questioned so many things about what I know, who I am, what I'm doing it all for and more...in running and in life.

I wish I could say that I've figured it all out and that I have some reason to believe that my training will speak for itself in Saskatoon.  The truth?  I don't know.  The truth about not knowing?  Sometimes I'm OK with it.  And sometimes I'm terrified.  I've never been a runner that does things by the numbers, just like I've never been a person that does things by the numbers.  I go by heart and by feel.  By passion and by love.  By what feels good and feels right.  And the times I stray from my truth, my realness in life and in running, the more I am reminded that I am who I am, and I do what I do and there is not any one reason to make it any different.  Some of my friends, and my running ones in particular, think that this is simply crazy talk.  To not have a solid number in total mileage or an idea of heart rate training zone or pace or any sort of idea of where I'm running based on track intervals would lead them to think that I've likely lost my marbles.  But for me, right here and right now, its just not about that.  It is about heart.  It is about passion.  And it is about being in and contributing to the tangible vibration and energy in the air that will surely be present on the day of the race.  While I may not know much else, I certainly do know that.  And so, on Sunday in just 11 short days, I won't be toeing the line for any kind of a time or expectation of a finish.  I'll just be there because I love to be there and I can't imagine being anywhere else at that moment in time. 

Let's get running.  Its time.